Warning: This post is entirely about me (the ‘traditional’ kind of blog post) and has ended up like a Confessional. :) You might find it boring (in fact you probably would).
I’ve been undergoing a series of changes, all for good. It was high time these changes happened, before life got too awful.
You know the best part of my life so far? It was my High school life. I was proud of who I was, and life was going smooth. Higher secondary wizzed past, and I started seeing changes then itself. But college was the worst part of my life. I was totally unlike myself and I hated myself like anything. Despite a beautiful love story, lots of exploration into domains I had not seen (I started dabbling in philosophy, higher mathematics and many other things in college only), and unbelievably great friends (I don’t think there ever existed a class with a wider variety of great characters), college left me with only a bitter taste at last.
I don’t know what exactly the problem was. Yes, I chose the wrong course, but I don’t believe that was the entire reason. I believe whenever something goes wrong in life, it means something has gone wrong in you. Perhaps I became too ambitious. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to become an expert in both computer science and electronics (yes, I tried that a while before I gave up), and at the same time was trying to change my introverted nature and seeming unfriendliness. In retrospect, it was an impossible situation, as life is all about tradeoffs. I wanted to be everything at the same time.
I think that sums up the problem. I was trying to fit in contradictory personalities within myself, and hence my mind was left as a battleground constantly in war. Every time someone told me I was a good person, a part of my mind, the part which did not like who I was at that point, told me “Huh! Yeah, right, like hell you are!” You know where that would lead? An ever worsening mind that keeps losing good qualities simply because it believes it doesn’t have them. Add to this a heartache that no one really understood me, and you have a recipe for disaster [what a cliché old phrase! :) ]. Every time a good friend talked as if I was bunking classes for fun, my heart sank a bit lower. I tried, a few times, explaining that I was going through tough times and none of it was fun, but gave up after some time. There were very few people who I felt really understood me (Vineeth was one of them, thanks dude). I woke up with no dreams for the day ahead, I went to bed with no satisfaction most of the days, and I was only half-conscious in the time in between. That’s why I missed many of the joys of college life, and instead of being the best time of my life, it ended up being (hopefully) the worst.
Yikes, that was a lot of negativity pouring out. But, like I said at the beginning (still remember wat I said?), I feel I’m changing for better. If you keep trying to get better, life definitely sends you support in some form. I got it in the form of an illness that gave me some compulsory time-to-think, a vacation at home that reminded me of who I really was, and a good understanding friend. I’m starting to view myself positively, have started reading self-help books again, am trying to do everything with utmost concentration, and am trying to be friendly and loving towards everyone.
In short, I’m trying to be… myself!
Edit: Came across this quote immediately after posting this: "Calm down. Breathe. This isn't the end of a beautiful love life that ended suddenly, this is the beginning of the rest of your goddamn life, and it's only going to get better from here." Well, thanks, life, for your beautiful coincidences. :)
