I see you're new here. Look around. Get comfortable. It's a big place, but most of it is friendly. Actually, most of it is trying to sell you something, but much of the rest of it is friendly.
I've been assigned to fill you in on some of our literary conventions. You didn't think you could just spell words accurately and use correct grammar did you? Oh no, we have a different way of doing things here. We call it: illitracy. It's all the rage with the cool kids.
The first thing you should know is that if two words sound the same, they are interchangeable. No need to fret over homonyms around here, no sir! Feel free to mix words like “there” and “they're” and “their” randomly and inconsistently—none of us can tell them apart anyway. Such freedom, huh? I knew you'd like that. Soon you'll be checking out whether reports to see what you should where.
It gets better. The words don't even have to be true homonyms as long as they sound vaguely similar. To those of us who have embraced Internet illitracy, there is no difference between “then” and “than,” or between “accept” and “except.” If you can except that, than you'll do fine hear.
Pretty good so far, rite? Well their's more, and it's all about ease of use. Your convenience is paramount. For instance, throw out your capital letters because you won't need them any more. we're all about lowercase in these parts. the first letter of a sentence? lowercase. proper nouns? lowercase. see how easy it is?
However, don't go thinking you can do away with your shift key. It's important to type characters that require the shift key, like exclamation points (can't have enough of those!!!). That way your reader will know that you could capitalize letters, you're just choosing not to because you want to express your individual and unique style! And like everybody else, your individual and unique style is that of an asshat!!!
Speaking of exclamation points, that brings us to punctuation. The general rule for punctuation is an easy one: don't. That's right you can just leave it out altogether!!! Life is so good hear on the Internet. Remember the goal when you write on the Internet isn't to communicate it's to express. No need to fret over interpretation or specificity. Just embrace what is easiest for you. I'll tell you what: just b as lazy as possible and you'll fit in fine.
If you really must punctuate there are three things you can do to fit in. The first is to end your sentences with either two periods or at least four of them. Never use just one period, and never three.. Your individual and unique style calls for two periods at the end of a sentence.... Or four periods.. Or perhaps sixteen!!! My personal rule of thumb is to depress the period key and keep it held down whenever I pause while writing..........
The second of your individual and unique punctuation choices is to remember that on the Internet an apostrophe is used four too things only: first, the word “it's” should contain an apostrophe in all instances except when substituting for “it is”; second, an apostrophe indicates that a noun is plural. Thus: “the jogger's ran buy the car's while listening to there MP3's.” Their is a simple elegance to Internet punctuation.
Your third individual and unique punctuation choice concerns the comma. Oh how we love the comma. What's fun about the comma, is that it can be used anywhere. It is a meaningless mark and, that is the key, to its joy. Personally I like to finish, writing first, then go back to sprinkle fistfuls of commas liberally, and randomly about. I'm the Johnny Appleseed of punctuation.
On the other hand, what you must take care not to overuse—in fact, not to use at all—is the return key. Paragraphs are unwelcome on the Internet. Remember that the goal of your writing is expression without communication. Nothing forwards that goal so much as serving up your text in a giant homogeneous mass like something from a literary spittoon. If at first you still struggle with the urge to use paragraphing, you can always simply substitute a particularly long series of periods....................................................
Finally, a brief word about spelling. Remember the ease with which we delt with homonyms? Thats nothing when compared to the simplicity of Internet spelling!! First, you can just make up your own words. If it is even remotely possible to pronounce any given string of meaningless characters the weigh you intend, then thats good enuf. You can type “b” instead of “be.” U can type “do u c?” insted of “do you see?” U can type “i ownz j00! i am a haxx0r!” instead of “I live in my parents' basement and have never kissed a girl.”
If you do not know, how to spell a word, jus toss out a guess with as many letters doubled as possible, and then tack “(sp?)” after it. Embrace de delicious irony of riting sumthin on a computer attached to the world's largest system of information access and still not bein bothered to spel correctly!!! The purity of the scorn u can show for ur reader in such a simple action brings a tear to mye eye. I luv this place....
As always, the rule is that you matter but ur reader does not. Do not waste your own time whenever u can more conveniently leave the work 2 ur reader. You matter! You have things to do and places to go!!! Let the peons untangle your txt n puzzle over it's interpretation. Let their eyes squint and their brows arch. Their efforts r inconsequential. Meaning is meaningless. You have better things to do then 2 make urself clear.
Befuddle your reader, misleed your reader but, above all disdain, your reader. wellcome to the Internets!! pull up a keybored and jus start 2 bang away on it.
With ur face!!!!
[Originally by some genius on the Internet, with some editing by Sundar here :) ]
